Mama Says: "Jane uses Jergens."

Mama glanced from her winter-white legs to mine on that first warm-enough-for-shorts day of late spring. "Reckon we ought to try some of that Jergen's tanning lotion? Jane says she uses Jergens." Jane is our dear friend and church organist. If you want to know the truth about a situation, ask Jane. We felt we could trust her not to mess around with any good-for-nothing tanning potion that didn't work. Back in the day, we got our suntans via the actual sun. My cousin Kathy and I used to drive our Grandme INSANE by putting on our bathing suits, dousing ourselves in oil, and "laying out" in the back yard.  "When I was a girl," Grandme would rant, "women PROTECTED their skin! Why, you wouldn't DREAM of going out in the sun without your arms covered up and a hat to shade your face. You are going to KILL YOURSELF in that sun!" Of course, we didn't listen.

When I went to college, it got even worse. We actually tanned using baby oil, because it has an SPF of hellfire and will fry you faster, which is important when you're trying to get bronzed in that three-hour break between history and biology.

What is it about tanning and Southern women? It's a simple equation, really. Pretty Suntan=No Pantyhose. We do not want to wear hose anytime after May 1 or before October 1. We will break that rule only if Aunt Mertis passes away and only then because we know how she felt about bare legs in a house of worship. Here's the thing about pantyhose in the Southern summer: Even if you haul them onto your body in a climate-controlled environment, the minute you step outside or into a July-toasted car, the first outdoor wedding you attend, the first bridal tea where the AC in the church fellowship hall ain't what it oughta be—you'll be "sweatin' lika pig," as we say. And so we want "a little color" on our legs. But as we grow older and can no longer, in good conscience, forego the sunscreen or roast ourselves in a tanning bed, we seek cosmetic alternatives. 

The trouble with self-tanners is that you can't really see what they've done until you are outside, in the summer sun you paid them to mimic. And if you're anywhere north of 40, you will often forget to do that outdoor lighting check until it is too late, until you have donned your cute capris and strappy sandals, plopped down on a quilt at that "jazz in the park" concert or whatever, only to look down and see that your legs are a streaky orange and your feet look mud-smeared, with white patches here and there and splotches that look like bruises at your knees and ankles. You will say unChristian things about the manufacturer of said product and immediately start polling your friends to see what brand they use.

I, for one, am excited to see that Jane's Jergens has a "firming" tanner. Hey, if something in a tube can do the same thing as leg lifts, I'm all for it. And if not, well . . . I'll settle for no pantyhose.

Comments

[candy mccranie hicks]

This is fantastic, many great laughs and mental pictures of me and cindy in the late 60's and that good ole baby oil. ! ! !
thanks for your stories they really brighten
my days. You are very gifted ! ! ! !
Hugs ;)

[valerieluesse]

Thanks so much, Candy! I'm so glad you're "goin' down to Mama's" on a regular basis!

[Karen Watkins]

I am, too, Miss Val, and posts like this are the reason why! I have shared the blog with many friends down here and one is eagerly awaiting your novel . . .

[valerieluesse]

Aw! Thank you so much, my friend! Novel written. Now to the minor detail of getting it published . . .:)