Goin' Down to Mama's

Daddy Says: "Tanning Bulb in the Refrigerator"

Yesterday's lunch down at Mama's centered on weight loss—the importance thereof, the difficulty thereof, etc. Daddy's contribution:

"My problem is that I love to eat.
If there was a tanning bulb in the refrigerator,
I'd be sunburned all the time. "

 

Daddy Says: "Tin Roof and a Dog"

Daddy continues his critique of the American cinema:

Nowadays, there's not too many movies good enough to hold my interest. But I'll tell you this: If you see one where the opening scene has an old shack with a tin roof, and there's a dog on the porch, it'll be good. I guarantee it. Also, you should watch just about anything with Walter Brennan in it.

Daddy Says: "Add Water and Stir"

Daddy's take on a movie he and Mama recently saw on TV:

Daddy: I didn't think too much of it. If you ask me, it was one of those add-water-and-stir movies. Not a lotta thought went into it.

Mama: Add water and stir?

Daddy: Yeah.

Mama: I never heard of that.

Daddy: That's because I just created it.

Daddy Says: "Don't Give 'Em Any Money"

On Father's Day, Daddy had this bit of wisdom for parents of grown children:

If you want your kids to spend more time with you,
don't give 'em any money till you're ready
for 'em to go home.

Daddy Says: "It's Those Black Holes That'll Get Us"

Conversation around our most recent Sunday lunch table turned ominous, as Daddy shared with us the imminent destruction of the universe. 

Daddy: It's those black holes that'll eventually get us. I'm telling you, people, they're coming.

Mama: He's been watching the Science Channel again.

Me: What exactly is a black hole?

Daddy: It's a star that basically burns out and then turns in on itself, and it creates this suction that just pulls anything that comes near it into that hole.

Me: How does it turn in on itself if it's all burned up?

Mama: That's exactly what I wanted to know.

Daddy: Well, it leaves behind something like a strong current, I guess. Now, it doesnt go AFTER other stars and planets and things—it just sucks in whatever happens to drift by.

Mama: I hope the Milky Way doesn't happen to drift by.

Daddy: Scientists have learned to spot 'em kind of the way you spot a tornado at night—you can't see the actually tornado, but you can see things moving where it creates a disturbance. It's the same with black holes. They're hard for scientists to see because, well . . . it's dark up there.

[Image by F. R. Nuhyn @ Freerangestock.com]

Daddy Says: "You Look Good Just Like That"

After church on Sunday, Daddy offered one of his periodic, complementary, entirely unsolicited evaluations of my appearance. "You look good today,without any makeup on," he said. "You should do that more often."

Tired of looking all "done"? Ready to go all natural like me? Here's how I did it: Estee Lauder Advanced Time Zone moisturizer and eye cream; Estee Lauder Advanced Night Repair; Lancome night moisturizer (can't remember the exact name); Estee Lauder Invisible Fluid foundation and powder blush; Lancome dual-finish makeup/powder; Lancome mascara; Almay eyeliner; eyeshadow from Sephora. Use all that, and nobody will have a clue you're wearing makeup. But don't tell Daddy.

Daddy Says: "I'm Drawin' a Blank"

Overheard in the church fellowship hall, after Mama shared a few of Daddy's habits that drive her insane (never closing a drawer or cabinet door once he opens it, making a yell-like noise every time he yawns, etc.):

Daddy: "You know, I've been sittin' here tryin' to think of my own faults . . . but I'm just not comin' up with anything. I'm drawin' a blank."

Daddy Says: "He's Cunning"

Daddy recently experienced the famous Hank Psych. Clearly, he wasn't ready for it. He's used to dealing with dogs—those loveable, glad-to-know-you-and-how-can-I-please-you creatures. No match for a cat of Hank's caliber. It all started with kindness, on Daddy's part. (Immediately, Hank picked up on this sign of weakness.) We can't leave the cat door open at night because of raccoons in the neighborhood, so Hank has to stay in or out. (And he knows he can count on me to make sure he gets inside before I go to bed for good.) Like me, he is intensely claustrophobic and can't stand to be in something (even a house) unless he knows he can get out. So when we have to be away, I make him multiple warm, roof-covered beds on our deck—some down low, some up high, so he has choices—and our sweet neighbors see to all his dining needs. But near the end of this trip, the temps were scheduled to dip down into the 20s, and Daddy knew I had enough on my mind without worrying about "a cat." So he came over and spent the night at our house—and set about trying to coax Hank to come inside with him. With the exception of Mr. McKinney next door, whom Hank adores, this cat doesn't care for men. So Daddy has never been able to persuade him to come inside for guy-bonding over Animal Planet. This time, though, he was determined:

Daddy: It took a while, but I finally coaxed him inside with his food and some cat treats, and the minute I had him, I covered up that cat door. And I thought to myself, "I've gotcha now! You ain't goin' nowhere!"

Me: Mm-hmm. How'd that work out?

Daddy: That cat is cunning. You can't believe how cunning he is. He's the cunningest cat I've ever seen in my life!

Me: Do tell.

Daddy: Well, first he stood at the cat door and did this pitiful meow. So I tried baby-talking him, trying to settle him down. Then he came in here with me, and of all the purring and rubbing his head against my hand and ACTING like we were FRIENDS. I mean, he had me believing he LIKED me. 

Me: Sounds about right. Then what happened?

Daddy: Well, then he went back to the cat door and looked back at me with that pitiful meowing. So I figured, now that he really likes me, I can let him out and he'll come right back in the house—you know—because we're friends now. So I opened the cat door.

Me: Didn't see him again, did you?

Daddy: Shot out of there like a rocket and never looked back. 

The moral of this story: Never trust a cat who suddenly behaves like a dog; he's up to something.

Daddy Says: "I Ought To Be Governor"

Overheard after Sunday lunch, while my father and my husband watched TV and discussed the state of the world:

Daddy: I'm gonna give you another reason why I ought to be governor.

[This drew a perplexed expression from his son-in-law, who was unaware that Daddy keeps a running list of reasons why he should govern our fair state.]

Daddy: As the governor, I would REQUIRE all places of business—I mean ANYWHERE I might want to shop or buy gas or anything else—to provide a public restroom with a big flashing light over it so we could all find it. My policy is, if you don't have a restroom for me, I will take my business elsewhere. That'll change some things.

Daddy Says: "You've Got No Idea"

Overheard after Sunday lunch:

DADDY (complaining about a choir committee meeting he thought he had to attend, which he didn't have to attend, because he isn't even on the choir committee, a detail he overlooked):

Y'all need to just STOP some o' this stuff! All these meetin's and gatherin's and all this runnin' here and yonder all over the place, goin' to all this stuff NOBODY really wants to go to!

MAMA: What on earth is the matter with you?

DADDY: NOTHING'S the matter with me! It's just too much, I tell you! I want somebody to just stop the world and let me get off for just a minute so I can have a little PEACE!

MAMA: What are you so all-fired busy with? Doesn't look to me like your schedule's all that full.

DADDY: You've got no idea what all's goin' on in my head. There's all kind of things just swirlin'' around and around in there. It's all I can do just to think about all of it every day. Wears me out.

[With spring just around the corner, here's hoping Daddy manages to get his many thoughts under control so that he can squeeze in time to fish.]